she woke up with a sticky ear
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
New. Vanessa hudgens nude pics
That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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