Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
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My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
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Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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