I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
