I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
