that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
