Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
