So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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