Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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