I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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