she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize
