Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
