Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
