dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
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