I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
