i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
