we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Randomize
