I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
