I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
