Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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