im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
