The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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