so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
