he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
