So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
