you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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