my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
