I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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