Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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