What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
