I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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