her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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