I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
