I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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