An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
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Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
You did what with his pubic hair?
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