So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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