idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
