Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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