Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
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I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
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We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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