Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
