I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
