I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
