I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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