Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
