Too much gin, very little bucket
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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