Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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