Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
It was confusing and full of hummus
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
