Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
