I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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