I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
