Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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