i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
