I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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