I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
