i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
