Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
